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“Stand back and be the observer,” McKee says. “Instead of reacting emotionally, you’re really learning something about what the different patterns are.”

Even better — pretend you are in a “Seinfeld” episode.

After all, that’s what Jerry was, a contemporary American anthropologist with a sense of humor.

A great deal of comedy is based on annoying events that occur when families get together, says James Overholser, a psychology professor at Case Western Reserve University.

“Remember how many ‘Seinfeld’ episodes were about that?” he says. “So step back and appreciate the humor. So much comedy is based on what happens in family situations.”

Here’s the best part of all. “You’ll be even better prepared next year,” says McKee, “because you’ll know what to expect.”

“I’m a psychologist, so I look at everybody in terms of how they got to be the way they are,” Ross says. “And the more you understand someone, the more you can sympathize with them. The more you sympathize with them, the more you don’t take it so personally. And if you don’t take it so personally and realize it’s not about you, it doesn’t sting as much.”

“Don’t take anything personally” is Agreement No. 2, one of four rules that author Don Miguel Ruiz says will reduce suffering, guilt and shame and bring joy, freedom and love.

Brushing up on the other three agreements for the holidays can’t hurt either:

“Be impeccable with your word.” That means only saying “yes” to those things you really want to do.

“Don’t make assumptions.” Even if you think you know what someone’s trying to say, ask to avoid misunderstandings and the drama that comes with them.

“Always do your best.” Do that and you won’t have any regrets.

“And if you need to, talk to other family members. Say ‘Here’s what the game rules are going to be. We’re not going to talk about that fight we had last year.’

“Now is not the time to be solving all of the family problems. There are better times and better venues for that.”

Change the traditions

Loss isn’t just about the death of a loved one. People might be feeling pain from different kinds of losses: the loss of a home or job, a separation from someone because of work or military service, the loss of a lifestyle you used to have but can’t afford anymore, says Stein.

And, Alexander says, “Sometimes doing the same ritual can be too painful. Sometimes it sets off a trigger of sadness.”

It’s the perfect opportunity to help someone else, says Overholser — volunteer at a shelter or visit a nursing home, for example. Make the effort — it might sound like a cliche, but it really works: Helping someone else makes you feel better, he says.

“It also reminds you that other people are struggling, and it gives you a shift of perspective that lightens your burden.”

Phone a friend

Of course you need a lifeline during the holidays. We all do.

Alexander suggests figuring out what your emotional needs are going to be beforehand.

Have you just gone through a divorce and need a good listener? Then make a mental note of the best listener in your circle of family and friends.

“That’s the person you should be spending more of your time with,” Alexander says.

“Look out for yourself.

“But as a family member, you also have a responsibility to the group. Think about who you have to look out for.”

Reaching out is especially important if you’re alone at the holidays, says McKee.

Loneliness, he explains, sets off the fight-or-flight response because in the early history of man, it was dangerous to be by yourself.

“People needed to band together to protect themselves from the fierce animals that were around,” McKee says.

“So the instinctive response to being lonely is to feel stress.

“And getting out and being with other people helps with that.”

Socializing, he explains, is Mother Nature’s antidepressant.

If you can’t visit, then call or e-mail, anything to get in touch with people you love. >

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